London Bridge isn’t falling down yet. It’s a prime piece of real estate that I’ve recently acquired – with full rights. There’s an old tale about an American buying the edifice believing it was that Victorian mechanical wonder Tower Bridge and then being disappointed that his shipped-out structure didn’t do any tricks. No, I’ve bought the actual London Bridge knowing its nature and knowing my purpose.

Build it up with wood and clay. Wood and clay will wash away.

We don’t concern ourselves with the doings of Americans anymore. The challenge is to accommodate the ever-growing population of once Great Britain. The bridge was not simply for traffic but had houses and shops. Economic and ergonomic, one might say. My plan, a hive of apartment dwellings stretching across its span, bisected by a slim pedestrian thoroughfare. With the oil so quickly running out, there is no call for motorised vehicles.

Build it up with stones so strong. Then it will last for ages long.

Bricks? No chance. The tightly packed domestic dwellings will have to make do with thin polymer plastic sheeting. Admittedly, it provides minimal privacy and little protection.

Ah, yes, you see my game now. Build it cheap. Take the profit. And when it all falls down again, shrug my shoulders and claim there was a problem with the maintenance.

Besides which, what does it matter if a few souls drown in the river? There are so many. Constructing another flimsy crossing at a later date will provide work and purpose for the survivors.

Before another strategic collapse.

My fair lady.